just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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