You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
