Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(312): View more from Illinois

sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.

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(585): View more from New York

you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the camel was justified in biting me.

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(858): View more from California

I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.

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(310): View more from California

Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube

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