so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
