I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
