Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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