I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
