Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
These 25 People Believed Fake Facts For Way Too Long
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
23 Adults Confess The Irrational Fears They Had When They Were Kids
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!