I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch