a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize