just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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