Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
