i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
