: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
