Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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