Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
