I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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