ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
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