If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
my being single is dangerous.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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