Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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