I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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