He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
