but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
