you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
