my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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