just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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