We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
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