mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
