Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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