Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
