I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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