Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
