I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
