I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
