Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
