And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
