im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
