so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
