Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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