so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
