Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
