I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
