Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
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