ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
worst night to have a conscience
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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