my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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