Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
