After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
