if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
We are two peas in an std pod
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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