Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
