before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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