yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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