A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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