____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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