I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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