I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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