AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
