Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
