At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
