the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
