I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize
