This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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