the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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